January 2012
1 post
“By the age of twenty, you know you’re not going to be a rock star. By...”
– Douglas Coupland, Player One: What is to Become of Us
November 2011
4 posts
And Stranger Danger replied...
ravenjade:
ultraclumsyrbot:
Saying that I am wasting his time. For arguing sexual and social equality and dignity.
Ahahaha, sure you’re not using this for procrastinating?
…no.
And Stranger Danger replied...
Saying that I am wasting his time. For arguing sexual and social equality and dignity.
Oh life. I love you and your sweet, sweet timing.
I am currently, as in RIGHT NOW, writing a paper about how violent ‘gonzo’ pornography is detrimental to the fight to stop sexual assault and is negatively affecting human sexuality, especially that of women. I got a plenty of fish message about 10 minutes ago with the proposition that I should consider adult entertainment because of my “pretty face which the camera obviously...
June 2011
1 post
Conditioning
Me: Oh mom, you can use that sparkling water in the fridge for whatever. I don’t really want it, but I just buy a drink whenever I eat at work in case I choke.
Both: …
Me: I guess that sounds neurotic.
Mom: What have I done to you?
May 2011
3 posts
Dear ex who said he'd be more attracted if I lost...
I’ve lost 12 pounds. Suck it.
April 2011
3 posts
Not a bad night
Karaoke. Guy I had a thing about three years ago happened to be there and even hotter than before. Boner through the roof. Through the goddamn motherfucking roof Icoulddie.
Just MS
“Ow. My tummy hurts. Fuck today - it’s going to suck.”
“PMS?”
“No. Just MS.”
*10 second pause*
“But yeah, like not actually MS because that’s multiple sclerosis.”
“Hahahaha yeah, I was going to say.”
“No, I’m just bleeding in the pants. Could be worse.”
Heart-to-Heart with my mother and me
Me: You know what? Hanging out with some younger boys tonight solidified the idea that I will never want to date younger boys. Seriously, there’s nothing up there *point to skull* but being concerned with their penis and beer.
Mom: Yeah, I hate to disappoint you but that doesn’t change too much.
Me: Okay, but not even GOOD beer.
Mom: Not good penis, either.
Me: Goodnight mom. I...
March 2011
4 posts
“STOP LAUGHING LIKE THAT - IT MAKES YOUR VAGINA JIGGLE ALL OVER ME!”
– My best friend
Sometimes the best conclusion is the most obvious...
Mom: The dishwasher REEKS of fish.
Dad: Because of the fish?
You think? I mean, JesusIwouldhopeso.
It's not cat porn
Mom: Hey, so I rented Despicable Me because you said it was cute.
Me: Okay, want to watch it tonight? Not necessarily right now because Dad’s in the living room.
Mom: Oh, it’s okay. He likes animated movies.
Me: He does? I didn’t even know that.
Mom: Yeah. Oh, I remember one time, like a long while ago, where I asked him to pick up a sexy movie, you know? And he came home...
Now I can rub myself with a Nintendo controller...
…
Duh! Winning.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/63251259/soap-retro-controller-mountain-dew-type
February 2011
2 posts
So mad
I could spit.
So, drunkish me
plus knowing every goddamn word the “Bad Touch” by the Bloodhound Gang + irresistible urge to sing = very uncomfortable brother driving me home from Korean New Years at 10PM on a Wednesday.
January 2011
6 posts
Man, you know what, I hate depression.
ravenjade:
And I’ve been depressed and anxious for like, four months. And I miss having close friends, but they are also depressed and anxious so no one talks to each other.
TERRIBLE.
Know what? I booked off a Friday in like two weeks so we could hang out. You sure as hell better be free.
Dear coffee shop patron:
ravenjade:
ultraclumsyrbot:
I appreciate fingerpainting as much as the next girl but that appreciation is somewhat diminished when said fingerpainting is displayed on the wall of the washroom. With menstrual fluids. But hey, maybe I’m just too closed-minded and primitive to understand the symbolism of your expressionist art. After all, it’s our ability to create that separates us from the...
List of people who made it into my new phone:
bitch-stick:
Roommates (old and new), roommates family, my family (including extended), al the Starbucks I have worked for, the people I work with, taxi, telus, Alex, Alexa, Danielle, Julia, Meagan, Mike, Raven, Sam and Vallie. I only have nine friends in my phone… Half of them I don’t even talk to. I NEED TO GET OUT AND SOCIALIZE MORE. I have more family members than friends. Boo.
Yessss. I...
ravenjade:
I had a dream that there was a buffalo in my house and I couldn’t get it out. It was exhausting.
I had one where I was flying a helicopter to Brian’s place, when a wolf the size of a school building flew, without wings, up to my level and peered into the window. I had to follow, I didn’t know where to, and we became fast friends. I woke up after we started eating a...
I'm not a bad person. My Sim on the other hand...
I don’t know why I play the Sims. I never have that much fun while playing it, sometimes I mentally note how little fun I am having and I often contemplate the irony of neglecting life for a simulated one which is only marginally less mundane. If I am living out a fantasy life, it should at least be cooler than stressing to fit friends into my life and waking up way too early to finish...
Dear coffee shop patron:
I appreciate fingerpainting as much as the next girl but that appreciation is somewhat diminished when said fingerpainting is displayed on the wall of the washroom. With menstrual fluids. But hey, maybe I’m just too closed-minded and primitive to understand the symbolism of your expressionist art. After all, it’s our ability to create that separates us from the animals.
December 2010
2 posts
I don't care if you're not a costume kind of guy
If your lady comes over wearing a french maid outfit for any reason, you’d better jump her bones or at least fucking tell her she looks good. Okay, asshole? Okay.
November 2010
1 post
4 tags
Navi is not the worst sidekick?
You doubt me. You think, “No wai! Noothersidekickcouldeverbethatfuckinggoddamnuseless!!!1one.”
I get where you’re coming from, but at least give this guy honorable mention:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFdmad5QfQg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9niJ0K9kIUY&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrFcWcRmjec&feature=related
September 2010
1 post
I am that guy
My plan to be that person in class who makes pals like it ain’t no thing: flawed. Execution:
Step 1.Two minutes of sitting next to someone with no acknowledgment.
Step 2. Exuberant introduction and a firm handshake.”HELLO!!! THIS IS MY NAME. WHAT IS YOUR NAME. COOL NAME NEW FRIEND.”
Step 3. Saying “Yeah, it’s always awkward just sitting there in silence...
July 2010
7 posts
“And I wanted to be friends with him. But he can’t drink.”
“If I can’t find it by searching ‘spumoni goat’ I’m...”
My mom's default search engine is yahoo
She won’t let me change it because she thinks that me altering the computer in any was will somehow result in her untimely death.
I like to make yahoo feel bad by using it to search ‘google’.
I found my people.
My people like zombies and aliens and zombified aliens wearing cowboy and/or pirate hats. I work at a super duper stupefyingly busy and inordinately demanding coffee shop full-time when I am not educating myself in matters which I’m not sure are of any relevance to real-life application.
I tend to get along with people and am not often engaged with the quarrels/cage...
I feel healthy
…for having played tennis to work off the pile of cookies I had for lunch. It’s all about balance.
Dear Body
Stop it. Please.
The hormones cause the acne. The acne causes the grumpy. The grumpy causes rage blackouts, which is worsened by copious amounts of blood and what feels like the end of the world in my abdomen. I am not planning on having a baby anytime soon, so can we skip this, please? Your time may come, but causing a fuss is not going to speed up the process. If anything, you’re...
Today
I slept terribly due to being sick but called in and got the day off, which should slightly balance things out.
I tried to play Metal Gear Solid 2. As I was playing I heard the incessant buzzing of an insect that diverted my attention away from the crucial boss fight that should have fully occupied my person. I kept trying to ignore it and every so often the mocking of the behemoth fly would...
June 2010
1 post
Muscle ninjas are not to be disrespected
I think one of the most annoying functions of the human body is the charley horse. They are like excruciatingly sudden and powerful spasm ninjas that live in your leg. You never know they are coming and when they do, it is not only with a swiftness that in itself is cause for alarm, but with such fierce impact. There is no buildup, there is only you against yourself and the battle is fought on...